Bittersweet

 

I have recently figured something out I should have been honest to myself from a very long time ago.

It is about a feeling that stays grounded at the bottom of my heart. It is not hot, nor is it cold. It is not a mourn, nor is it a gratitude. A feeling where there are not blacks and whites, even when your hands take and give – a flip of one human action. It is bad…. yet it is meant to be.

I stand still and am stuck in between. I am on a borderline, one side penetrates and another radiates. Maybe it is a feeling of being a human. Our Yin and Yang. Our indefinite reality. Yet it is something most of people would feel vulnerable for.

We have seen myriad murders, suicides, briberies, unscrupulous critics, predicted delinquencies, and filthy lives of people we have never really met. And I believe, there is always something that we can’t control. The way those people perceive, feel, and put faith for. They are just as numb as bluish color of tied rubber band at the tip of your finger. But they have bled to die, and to even exist.

And I just noticed, that my life is just like a soon-to-be that hatching egg. I will come out becoming nothing and trying to define myself as I befriend with the instinct of survival. Just like most of those people would do. Maybe in a different way.

Now, I feel like, I’m always watching two sides of coins at every single thing. Nothing is as good as it may seem, nor is it always as bad as it may sound. Maybe we should try to use those two senses side by side by now.

Because in the end, it’s always between the two, what makes humans that bittersweet. But still, there will always be a side to choose.

February 16, 2021

h.h.